The Year Everything Changed: Grief, Motherhood, and Rediscovering Myself Through Art

 A personal reflection on loss, identity, and finding healing through creativity.

2008 was the year everything changed for me. It was the year I got married, a day filled with love and joy. But alongside that happiness, there was also a deep, lingering sadness that I was carrying with me. That Christmas I lost my mum to suicide, and it’s something I have never fully been able to put into words - until now. 

That loss is something I live with. It doesn’t disappear. Grief, for me, has never been a single process or a clear journey from A to B. It comes in waves, in different forms, at different times. Even now, years later, it can still surface unexpectedly. The trauma of how I lost my mum is always there in the background, shaping parts of how I experience the world.

What I’ve come to understand over time, though, is that grief can also sit alongside love. I still feel the love my mum had for me, and in some ways that connection feels even more present now that I am a mum myself. 

Having my daughter brought that sense of loss into sharper focus at times. There have been moments when I’ve needed my mum deeply - when I’ve wanted to ask her questions, seek her reassurance, or simply hear her voice as only a mother can provide. That absence is something nothing can truly fill.

I am grateful for the family and friends around me. Their support and love have been invaluable. But there is still a space that remains, and I’ve learned that it’s okay to acknowledge that without trying to replace it.

Becoming a mum myself was a turning point in many ways. It was a time of joy, but also of rediscovery. I had to navigate pregnancy, maternity leave, and early motherhood while also carrying grief that had been with me for years. Around the same time, the world shifted with COVID, changing how we lived and worked, and adding another layer of adjustment during an already intense period.

When I returned to work after maternity leave, I found myself still carrying a weight that wasn’t always visible on the surface. My corporate role gave me structure and stability, and in many ways it helped me keep going. But internally, there was often a heaviness that I didn’t fully share at the time.

Maternity was when something began to shift. I felt a growing pull back towards creativity—towards painting and art. It wasn’t a sudden decision, but more of a steady, persistent feeling that I needed to follow. Art became a space where I could process what I couldn’t easily express in words. It gave shape to emotions that felt too complex or too heavy to articulate.

Little by little, I began to reconnect with myself. Not in a way that erased the grief, but in a way that helped me live alongside it. I started to recognise parts of myself that I thought I had lost. It wasn’t linear, and it wasn’t always easy, but there was a sense of direction that kept me moving forward.

There were mistakes, uncertainty, and moments of doubt along the way, but also learning. And with that came a growing confidence and awareness of who I am and what matters to me. I’ve come to see that even the difficult parts of the journey have shaped me in important ways.

Grief still exists in my life, and there are still moments when it is triggered or feels particularly present. There is also the wider challenge of navigating stigma and silence around suicide, which can add another layer to the experience. But I’ve learned to return to the things that help me process and make sense of it all.

For me, that is art. It is also a connection to wellbeing, to creativity, and to something that feels deeply grounding. It is now a central part of my life, both personally and professionally, and something I feel grateful to have rediscovered.

It has also given me a different perspective on identity - on being a mum, a partner, a friend, and a person in my own right. I don’t feel lost in who I am anymore. I feel like I am still becoming, still developing, but from a place of understanding rather than confusion.

If there is something I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that grief doesn’t necessarily go away, but it can change shape. It can sit alongside growth, love, and even joy. And sometimes, the smallest steps forward are still steps forward.

For anyone who is going through grief or feels at a crossroads, it can help to listen to that quiet inner sense of direction, even if it’s unclear at first. Moving forward doesn’t have to mean moving quickly. It can be slow, uneven, and uncertain. But over time, things can get just that little less heavy.

Sometimes just moving through it day by day is enough.

Thank you for reading my story.

If you've found your way here through Mother-Hub Magazine, welcome.

I share more reflections on creativity, motherhood, wellbeing, grief, confidence, running a small creative business and practical tips for those beginning their own creative journey.

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